Communication of a Secure Attachment Identity

A comment on an earlier post referenced that post and then focused on the role of communication...

"...In other words, everyone has mental models of what they expect generally from people when they experience distress, crisis, isolation, etc. and what they expect from specific individuals in such situations."

What strikes me in this part of the post is the role of the communication of those expectations, and I see a tension between how an individual identifies themselves internally and how someone may perceive them externally (for me, underscoring the communication role).

Great comment. With particular regard to the issue of communication there is a key presupposition involved, "The meaning of the communication is the response elicited."

So one way of understanding who we are to another in the world is to observe their responses. What's interesting is that others' responses are also influenced by their filters on the world, beliefs, self-perceptions, etc. not just our communication.

What the presupposition underlines is our responsibility for being effective in communicating our intention so that it is received. Combine this first presupposition with a second one, "The most flexible is the most successful." This translates that, if our communication produces a response that doesn't match our intention, and if we are sufficiently flexible, we can keep varying our communication until the response matches our intention. When we are able to consistently accomplish this match of others' responses and our intentions, we have become expert communicators.

In the context of secure attachment, it is especially challenging as others' insecure attachment identities and styles are deeply ingrained.

It takes precise observation of others' responses, accurate interpretation of the meaning of those responses, and exquisite flexibility of communication skill to successfully create a secure attachment environment for the other...and often it also requires time and repetition to establish trust and break through defenses associated with insecure attachment.

And yet, when we do create a secure attachment environment, everyone benefits. It is worth it!